That medical

Well, that was a disaster. I shall be very surprised if the DLA is granted on that medical. The doctor didn't believe there was any real cause why I should feel such pain. What is more, he had no appreciation of mental health problems. As far as he was concerned as long as I could smile when I greeted him I couldn't possibly be severely depressed. The fact that I was brought up to hide my feelings & always obey the social courtesies such as smiling regardless of how you are feeling, especially with strangers such as him, he regarded as irrelevant.

We never got to the Lancaster market. By the time we got out all I wanted to do was to get home & have a good cry. PD had suggested he could join us at the Pub to let off steam, but I couldn't face society, not even friends.

I'm left now feeling limp. My crime seems to be fighting to keep going, & maybe too just accepting my disability. As far as the latter is concerned I don't see any point in wasting time & taxpayers' money pestering doctors, be it my GP or hospital specialists, when I have already been told nothing more can be done. Oh yes, I could have further ops, but that would mean further ops every few years for the rest of my life with diminishing returns in results & I almost certainly would not be able to fully straighten either leg, making balance & walking impossible. If the pain became so bad I couldn't cope any more then to return. I have found by adapting my life, using aids such as a wheelchair, having the assistance & support of others, in particular the Fox, I can cope at the moment although I am aware my physical health is continuing to deteriorate.

What really gets to me is I know if I was a moaner, the sort of person who refused to do anything because of the pain, I would of passed this medical with ease. Instead I've continued to do exercises at the gym & physiotherapy, to endeavour to maintain some muscle use. I continue to try to be as independent as I can, to try to do things for myself where possible even if in doing so I'm being foolhardy & often land flat on my face literally. But that attitude seems to be one to condemn rather than encourage.

I'm left now feeling very subdued. I wonder why I bother to try, even if it's worth trying. I'm feel even more like a parasite depending "unreasonably" on others, on the Fox in particular, blighting his life, expecting society to care for me without paying it back in any way, just a self-indulgent lazy scrounger.

And none of this alters the fact I still can't walk & need help & that necessitates a certain amount of money to buy & maintain a car/electric scooter, paying for some help & to compensate the Fox for the wages he feels unable to earn as I can not cope on my own all day & night.