Fears

I'm on the go slow at the moment. The "hectic" life is catching up with me. Still, I'm telling myself, if I look exhausted it's no bad thing with this medical coming up soon.

What didn't help is that on Friday night I finally analysed one of the reasons for my fear of the medical. The last time I had one I was asked a question that stunned & terrified me.

"Imagine you are in the middle of a field. A rabid dog is running to attack you. What would you do?" the doctor asked.

I was stunned. The one thing I couldn't do is run. Mind you, even at the peak of my youthful fitness I don't think I could have outrun a dog. My only conclusion was to either try some calming words in the hope the dog wasn't really rabid, just a guard dog in attack mode, or curl up on the ground and hope to protect my face & more sensitive parts. Either way I suspect I would have come out pretty badly mauled & bloody.

I suppose I've always been a bit afraid of unknown unaccompanied barking dogs. I suppose it began when I saw a friend's dog bite another child. Admittedly he had been teased pretty mercilessly so I can't blame him & it was just a nip, but it did frighten me & make me realise how savage a dog can be. Since then the anxiety has been encouraged by hearing of people being attacked, even killed, by pit bull terriers & the like.

But the real anxiety aroused by the question, the reason why the question still haunts me, is that it made me realise my sheer vulnerability & total lack of independence. The idea of being so dependant on others, even the Fox, frightens me. Most of the time I can kid myself I can still do things myself, but most of the time the reality is I can't, not without the support & assistance of the Fox. From there it doesn't take a lot for me to begin to feel like some sort of parasite on society & to question whether I have any value these days. The vicious circle of depression sets in.

Having finally voiced this phobia to the Fox, I soon after went to bed. I put on the radio as usual to be greeted by a programme discussing disturbing scenes in horror movies. That did nothing for my state of anxiety. In the end I had to call out to the Fox for reassurance before I could settle to sleep.

I hope they don't raise another such stupid question this time around. And it really is a stupid question as I don't see how I could have landed up in the middle of the field in the first place. Was I air-winched there?

Oh by the way, it was good news for Den. Whatever the cause of Den's problem, it isn't cancer, which they feared so much. Our prayers have obviously been answered.