Churchill's black dog has been visiting. I'm coming to the conclusion that maybe relaxing is not a good thing. So often it results in a spell of depression. I found myself being overwhelmed by a sense of having to drive myself to do things & wondering why bother. I felt tired, oh so tired. Not in a sleepy way, but rather tired of life, tired of its demands, of its inevitable routines some of which I find disturbing if they're not there. I found myself metaphorically, as well as literally, holding onto the Fox till the cloud passed over.
What brought this on? I've no idea. The only thing I can suppose is that it is related to how much stress I've been under since the Fox's stroke. This week the Fox has done a lot more cooking. For no particular reason my culinary mind had strayed into the realm of Chinese food with the result the wok has come out & the Fox is the master of that equipment. As a result I've had quieter mornings, with no food to prepare. In theory I should have been able to relax & feel suitably refreshed by now. Instead I did start to relax, with the result the damming wall came down & I discovered just how drained I really was. Even the slightest pressure became too much as no reserves remained.
I finally admitted to the Fox yesterday the state I was getting into. Maybe that was the turn in the corner. Certainly by the time we had enjoyed some delicious spicy pork for dinner, my cooking effort, my spirits were starting to rise again.
I'm relieved to say I'm feeling much more myself this morning. For the first time in days I'm not contemplating killing myself. I'm even beginning to feel a little wonder at the world as I see the rain gently falling on the herbs. I'm starting to think life is not so bad after all..
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