Shattered

It struck me at the Pub. I am absolutely shattered.

As usual we settled down to the crossword. Usually I find it fairly easy, hence the fact I read the questions out - the others want a chance to get an answer in. I suddenly realise I don't know the answer. Is today a particularly difficult crossword or am I not thinking straight?


We leave the Pub an hour or so later. We have to stop at Morrisons on the way back for some shopping. By now my concentration has well & truly gone. The Fox tells me what is on the list. I have to ask him to repeat it before it sinks in my head. I'm looking for bread. I just can't get the idea in my head. So the shopping continues.

By the time we're home I've given up the idea of cooking. I hastily put in the fridge the sausages & puff pastry I'd got out to thaw for last night's dinner. That will have to wait until today. Instead, fortunately, we have the one last microwaveable meal in the freezer & the Fox hastily does that. I eat, then off to bed. It's not long after 7.30pm. I do not re-emerge, except for a quick loo trip, until over twelve hours later. Even now I'm still feeling heavy.

What has caused all this exhaustion? As I said last time Monday was a busy morning. Then, yesterday I did the ironing, in time for Al to arrive to cut the lawn. I had a pop out to discuss the garden with him. All tiring work.


We had been out for the meal on Monday. A mixed blessing. The Fox enjoyed being able to drive again - he feels life is getting more back to normal.  

The meal had been anxious at first. Only one other person had arrived when we got there. After some wondering, & attempting to ring to find out where the others were, after half an hour we decided to go ahead & eat. We feared Den may have had another stroke, or even a heart attack (he has angina). Or they'd all been involved in a car accident en route to the restaurant. The rest finally arrived three quarters of an hour late. Mrs B was in a foul mood, biting at everyone around. We suspect waiting around so long to be picked up had caused this. She's not one for being late. 

The food was okay at best. The lemon meringue pie some people had was disgusting - pure acid & granular, with no sign of meringue. Not the best meal ever. 

With having to wait for the others to have their starters so we could all eat our main courses together, it meant it was later than usual by the time we were finished so it was late back for us.

Back home the Fox & I opened some wine, & listened to Ella singing the Cole Porter songbook, just to help us unwind. I was too tense to have slept immediately. As a result it was late to bed. Perhaps this contributed to the sense of exhaustion.


Maybe it is partially that I'm back on the pills I take in the middle of the night so I'm having even more disturbed sleep than usual. Normally if I wake in the night, I turn over & try to doze off again. At the moment  have to check the time (I can't take the pill until after 2 hours since I last ate or drank anything other than water), sit bolt upright, locate the pill & the glass, take the pill, drink a full glass of water before I can lie down again to try to go to sleep once more. By then I'm usually well & truly awake. What is more I usually end up having to wake up again later on to go to the loo to dispose of some of that liquid.


I suppose, too, it is the fact I've been doing more since the Fox has been incapacitated. Although I don't resent this, & feel it is inevitable, I am relieved the Fox is now getting more like himself & I can take it easier. If nothing else I don't feel I need to worry so much now. He is doing so much better. He's managing to do a few chores - helping with the cooking & shopping. He even power-hosed the yard on Sunday! That shattered him, but at least he did manage it.


I think yesterday I finally let go, the first time really since before we got back from Cyprus, & that hadn't been an entirely relaxing break. The adrenalin stopped pumping & I collapsed in a pile of shatterdness. Time to take it easier again & not keep pushing myself.


So today nothing is planned, except a trip to the surgery as the Fox has his blood pressure & blood sample taken, to make sure there's no bad side effects to his new medication. If it's okay they're hoping to increase the dosage. We'll see.


Oh, & I'm hoping to make the tomato & basil tarte tatin to accompany the grilled pork & black pudding sausages, that we were gong to have yesterday.