All black

There are times when I question whether I still suffer from depression. I've not been on medication for it for a while now, a couple of years at least. My conclusion is yes. Rarely a day goes by that I don't question my life & what the point is in being alive. I feel most of the time as though I'm balancing on a sharp edge, wobbling rather. Wobble too far & I will fall well & truly into the pit of despair, never to come out again. It is very tiring constantly trying to avoid the fall & yet I can't manage to take that step away from the edge where life would  possibly be more secure.

Yesterday was a bad day for me. I suppose it didn't start well when I saw just how dark a morning it was. It felt like I was getting up in the middle of the night & yet is nearly 9am, late for me to rise. It was just that the skies were so shrouded in dark clouds & rain descended on the world that the whole world looked black.

The world wasn't helped by the fact that I'm having ear wax problems One ear was virtually blocked so I felt as though I had my head in a balloon or something, all sound being distorted. My eyes have always been unreliable. I was born severely cross-eyed. I had an operation to rectify it when I was about 4. However, ever since, if I'm off colour, my eyes don't focus well. It's not surprising migraines manifest themselves in visual distortions. As a result I've always depended heavily on my sense of hearing so this loss of hearing deeply disturbs me. Unfortunately these days the surgery won't syringe ears & the drops alone don't seem to fully clear them & often cause inflammation in them. Today the hearing's totally gone in that ear & the other one is blocking quickly.


I dragged myself through a shower & got dinner prepared. Then the post came. that didn't help. While we had been away, we accidentally scratched the hire car. Yesterday the bill
 

for the repairs arrived. Over 1000 euros! As you can see from the photo we didn't even get down to bare metal. It was a five minute spray job. We'd even contemplated buying a can & doing it ourselves before we returned the car. Admittedly nearly half the price is the car hire charge for the holiday, but we have already paid for that once. I'm aware we have a choice of paying up meekly or gearing ourselves up for a fight, the last thing I feel up to doing at the moment. I'm not even sure that the Fox could cope with the stress. But I object to being had & that's what I feel this is.

We ended up going up to Pub in the afternoon. PD earned our friendship by making us laugh a bit, & certainly distracting us. We had an excellent dinner of home-made Steak Wellingtons - a delicious treat that should have put us in better spirits. Nonetheless by the time I was ready for bed I'd concluded I needed to take a sleeping pill. I needed to escape into oblivion & the state I felt I was in was guaranteed to be a night of tossing ahead if I didn't take a pill.

The sleeping pill worked but the stresses haven't gone away. Now I've also got to contend with a residual mugginess from the pill. 

I'm telling myself I'm just going through a bad patch. Just cling on. I will get through this. I'm off to disappear into a jigsaw featuring two playful kittens. Hopefully when the jigsaw is done I will be back to my more normal self.  Hopefully I'll be more my cheerful self when next I write.