Anxiety stalks our home.
On the minor side, I look out of the window. I’m trying to
decide whether the rain clouds or the sunshine is going to win the battle for
our skies. I would put my washing out to dry but it’s not worth it if I’m going
to have to run(?) out to get it in again soon afterwards.
On the more serious side, no matter how we try we both seem
haunted by the prospect of the next trip to the hospital. The Fox is clucking
around, checking I feel okay. And curiously that’s what worries me. Previously
when I’ve had recalls I have also had symptoms – they’ve always turned out to
be cysts. The only time I went for a cancer check (cervical cancer in this instance) & was told I had cancer I
felt fine & felt no symptoms – for those who are more recent readers of
this blog, that was 16 years ago & I’m all clear now. I’m just glad the
wait isn’t too long. We’re off to the hospital later this week & should
come away with a clearer idea of what is suspected, & hopefully been told
it was just a false alarm, another cyst.
The anxiety is made worse in that I’m uncertain now about our
French holiday. The news will have to be very bad to cancel it –we’re going
next month - but if the news is bad it will be a black cloud over the holiday,
I can see it.
I really don’t like uncertainty, not of this sort. I’d sooner
know there is an enemy & what it is, than be left wondering about the existence
of an enemy. At least then I can adjust my state of mind to cope with it, but
not knowing is impossible to adapt to. Dithering & fence sitting just make
me tense, & therefore more pain filled as muscles tighten up. Roll on
Thursday when things should be clearer.
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