An off day

Yesterday was definitely an off day for me. It did pick up but only a bit.

It started when I decided the time had come to go to church. I went to get my Mean Machine, my electric scooter out. I found it was impossible. We had taken in our table & chairs from the garden for the winter & now they blocked the way. I cleared some of the surface of the table, thinking I could put the chairs on the table. I lift the chairs. There's an almighty explosion, a big bang, glass & a white dust everywhere. I've just lifted the chairs straight into the fluorescent light tube, shattering it. I have to stop to do a bit of sweeping up as I don't want punctured tyres.

So it is I leave a bit late, but still plenty of time before the service begins. I approach the church. What's this? A great crowd outside. I soon realise cameras are out. Photos are being taken of the Rose Queen & her entourage. Is it Harvest Thanksgiving this week?

I ask someone if my side door is open. I am assured it is. I make my way around to the door to find the outer door is open, but not the inner. I have to bellow to be let in.

Inside I collect my books & make my way to my usual place. My usual companion so far at the front of church is there & starts chatting to me. I just want a few minutes peace to compose myself ready for the service. Eventually she gets the hint, but by this time the church is a-buzz with activity. People bustling around. Extra banners are going to be taken up. The Rose Queen joins the choir for the procession at the start of the service. Parents & siblings chatter & run around. Absolute mayhem. I desperately seek peace & God, & all I find is noise.

The new vicar, Linda, makes the announcements. The service is to begin. She calls for a few minutes silence first. Is this my moment for peace? The moment Linda returns to the vestry, the Babel begins again.

So the service finally starts. I'm still desperately trying to find some inner peace to appreciate the service. It seems it's the service for the Crowning of the new Rose Queen. For Linda, this is a first. I think she is as bemused as I am by the role. However, she's still too new here to feel she can suggest abolishing the role when this is to be our 60th Rose Queen. All the children are beautifully attired & well behaved.

But I'm still seeking communion with God, not all this noise. During the second hymn I suddenly realise tears are rolling down my face. I would leave but feel too conspicuous to go. The Mean Machine beeps as it goes in reverse & I would have to back out of my space & then do a 3 point turn before I could get out. Then I would have to find someone once more to open the inner doors. Once I'm in they always re-bolt the doors to reduce draughts.

So I stay, not really feeling able to partake of the service. I realise I must be depressed. I do not usually cry inappropriately like this. Fortunately the light from a high window is shining so brightly into my face that others assume it's just the light disturbing me. The reality is that I feel as though I should never have come. I do not feel any sense of God's presence. People are enjoying themselves & I don't want to spoil that, but I had come for worship, for prayer, for inner peace. Instead I felt an outsider, alienated from everyone else there & from God. If I had known it was such a service, the mood I was in I would never have gone. But these days my September issue of the Parish magazine doesn't arrive until October. As for the website it shows no special services this week & the last parish magazine on the site is dated April 2010, hardly up to date. I hadn't made it to church last week so I had no warning of the special Rose Queen Crowning service. I hope some of this might change once Linda is settled into her new role.

I did contemplate staying for a few minutes after the service & everyone had gone. Maybe this would be my chance for peace. But no, this would be the one Sunday when there were two baptism services immediately after matins.

So I hastily left the church as soon as I could get through the crowd at the end of the service. I did contemplate coming back along the prom, maybe stop a bit & look out across the Bay. Perhaps that way I would have chance for inner peace. I decide against it, partly because I know the Fox would be worried if I didn't get back at usual time, partly because the way things were going I half feared there would be hordes on the prom too.

Normally I would have coped fine. Normally I go to church at least half an hour before so that I am among the first to arrive. That means I have chance for private prayer, to re-discover God, to find some inner peace before any bedlam arrives. This Sunday I arrived just 10 minutes before the service, & a busy popular service it turned out to be.

When I got home I had an hour or so lie down in the Fox's arms before tackling the chores. That hour or so enabled me to calm down, & find some peace, ready for the next challenge. The Fox hastily got down to Focus & bought a new tube. We then struggled to work out how to fit it. In the end I went to ask our neighbour if he had any idea. Andy is a builder, quite capable of doing all minor general jobs, even bigger ones - he's just put up a fully insulated log cabin in their garden. Even he, though, was beaten for a while. Eventually he worked it out & we once more had light in the garage. I, by this time, was on my second lot of extra painkillers. I was glad to have dinner & an early night.

So far, today seems to be going better. The lamb curry I've just made smells, & tastes, delicious. Something to look forward to this evening.