Which comes first?

I find myself questioning which comes first – exhaustion or depression. Is it the exhaustion that I’ve been feeling of late that is causing, or at least laying me open for, depression? Or is my lack of motivation, of positivity, a symptom of depression?

After the hospital yesterday, we went along to the golf club for a bit of a relax before going home for an afternoon nap. The Fox was somewhat worried that I seem to have been very quiet of late. It is then that I realised that depression was returning.

He questioned why I should be feeling that way. Is there any real issue? I’m not sure there is. A chemical imbalance obviously but why now, impossible to say. I’m not unhappy in my life. The Fox has done nothing but shower me in his love.

I flippantly suggested maybe I should have a dance around in his light box. Maybe it is just the fact the clock has changed. The days are getting so short. Now it is barely light when I get up 7.30-8.00am. It’s getting dark by 4pm. Daily the daylight hours get visibly fewer, especially when it is overcast with black rainclouds like yesterday.

I suppose what triggered the feelings off was realising there would be problems with travel insurance if we want to go on a cruise to Spain or the Canaries. I feel my freedom is being constrained.

For the last few years we’ve been with an insurance company that accepted you without a medical screening. It’s so much less hassle. Admittedly if we did have to make a claim we would have to pay a higher first instalment but only if the claim was the result of a pre-existing medical condition, a bit like you can pay a lower premium on house or car insurance though you pay a higher amount with any claim. Now we will have to go through a lot of hassle. Last time I had cancer, insurance premiums shot up until over 5 years from my last check-up. At the moment I’m still having some treatment & check-ups so that means premiums will be high. With a bit of luck the Fox shouldn’t be too bad. It’s now quite a few years since his stroke. The greatest danger period is immediately after a stroke so that risk should have reduced.

Undoubtedly hassle is the single biggest thing that gets me down. Along with it, & this is something I talked about with my care worker earlier this week, is the enforced lack of spontaneity. I’d love to just go off & find somewhere to stay when we got there but that is impossible with disability. Wheelchair accessible accommodation is not easily found. Instead I have to be sensible & do endless research beforehand.

And what is  more, sometimes the hassle has to be got through at a time when I’m just feeling so tired all I want to do is lie down & sleep, or at least rest & do nothing.

It’s not helped when my fingernails used to grip onto that ledge, stopping me fall down into the abyss, are being used to scratch the patch of psoriasis on my scalp!