Downhill slope

Yesterday I went food shopping with the Fox, the first time since all our trips down to Preston. I suspect it’s going to be the last time too.

 

I usually push myself around while the Fox does other shopping & he pushes the trolley.

 

A supermarket floor is an ideal surface for pushing yourself around in a wheelchair as is a hospital floor. However, now I find I can’t manage to push myself at any speed. I’m just so tired. If I ever go again I think will depend upon whether I can hire one of their electric scooters. Pushing me with a wheelchair trolley attached is too much work for the Fox. I would be better off just staying at home or in the car.

 

I’m increasingly being aware of my limitations. I’m not sure I’m up to going away on holiday much as the idea may appeal. I’m not even entirely sure if I can cope with our normal social whirl seeing one lot of friends or another most afternoons. I seriously think I’m on the downhill slope with the cancer now. I wonder what state I will be in when we’re finally allowed to see family & friends again, go to pubs etc.

 

So tired

Everything seems to take so much longer to do these days. Even the basic business of getting up, dressed, hair tidied, teeth brushed, face & hands washed, getting the kettle on for some tea takes ages. By the time I’ve had chance to drink that tea two hours have passed. Everything just takes so much effort. I seem to be dragging myself around like an old woman.

 

Most nights I seem to spend twelve hours in bed & yet I still feel the need for a lunchtime/afternoon nap. It seems ridiculous & yet I remember the widow of a friend who died of cancer last year, commenting in his later days he seemed to spend three quarters of his time asleep or at least lying down. So is this just a reflection of the stage my cancer is getting to?

 

It seems quite strange to me. I admit I always appreciated my sleep time. However, when I was awake I used to be full of energy, raring to go. No longer. I’m just permanently tired, either due to pain or the side effects of the painkillers. I just snooze on.

 

Of cinnamon & hair

Yesterday I cooked a chilli. All day I was nauseated by the smell of cinnamon that came from it. Admittedly the cinnamon did give the chilli a more rounded taste. I was relieved to find with the extractor fan on full blsst, the back door & a kitchen window open I did manage to eat the meal.

 

Today I get up. The first thing on my chore list is to boil some eggs ready for the kedgeree the Fox is cooking this evening. Usually I add an extra egg to lightly boil for my breakfast but not today. As soon as I stepped into the kitchen & smelt that cinnamon again, my stomach rebelled against the idea of eating anything. Once more I’m airing the kitchen well in the hope of dispersing the smell.

 

It’s strange because usually I love the sweet smell of cinnamon but not now.

 

Meanwhile I wonder how many silvery lined nests there must be nearby. I keep finding silver hairs on my clothes & throwing them out. Surely they must be this year’s latest fashion material for lining nests.