Changing dreams

I’m feeling distinctly nervous. I’m expecting a phone call from Christie’s this afternoon to decide if I’m an appropriate candidate for one of their trials. I’ve tried to collect together things I may have to refer to, things like medical history, medications I take. I’m spreading them out on the coffee table near the phone. I really see Christie’s as the only possible way of slowing down, if not curing, this cancer.

 

Others around us seem more concerned about yet another shut-down. For us it makes very little difference. For months we haven’t been out of the house except for food shopping or going to hospital. I’m just hoping it doesn’t prevent our collecting our new car, due later this week. We also wonder if our cleaner can come this week. I’ll ring up later this week to check on that. But we can manage for a while without anyone. We certainly did last spring.

 

One, for us, sad thing has dawned on me. Unless something can be done to restrain the cancer & reduce the size of Lump, I can’t see us travelling abroad again, no matter how it might appeal. Lump is now of such a size, the skin so stretched to cover it, the slightest bump is likely to cause the skin to break resulting in ulcerating sores that will need more medical treatment than we can provide. At least if we holiday here, we should be able to access NHS treatment no matter where we are.

 

Telling an insurance company about the cancer is going to make the premium shoot up, but paying for treatment abroad could be very expensive. So now I’m trying to put aside my dreams of visiting France, Italy, The Netherlands, Austria, Belgium, Denmark etc. Instead I will think of places here - Edinburgh, York, Salisbury, Chatsworth, London, the Isle of Man, etc. There’s plenty of places in the British Isles to explore & enjoy.

 

 

 

Chaos in the Den

I crashed out exhausted last night. I feel I’ve been working hard trying to keep on top of Christmas food, with two meals at least being something special. Admittedly the Fox has been helping me along the way. I had only got as far as planning up to Boxing Day. Since then I’ve been doing some quick thinking, trying to use up from the freezer. So Monday became a day for Ham & Egg Sauté, Tuesday Chicken Chow Mein, Wednesday we ate out & Thursday a Hampton Pie.

 

Yesterday was the final grand meal – Orange Glazed Ham with Mango & Orange Salsa, a Mary Berry recipe. I’d just got the ham on to come to the boil in diluted orange juice when the Fox decided to pop out for a short time. I soon popped the ham in the oven, with a lid, to simmer at a low temperature. I started to get the glaze together & was just segmenting some orange for the salsa when the phone went, a friend. She hastily got off the phone when she realised I was in mid-chaos. Somehow, from then on, I lost co-ordination. My timings all went wrong.

 

I glazed the ham & forgot to raise the temperature. I suddenly realised the potatoes needed to go into the oven for roasting but I still forgot to raise the oven temperature. I hastily located the carrots I was going to do to accompany the meat, while I got the Fox onto making some gravy. We added a few spoonfuls of the diluted orange juice the ham had cooked in, to give the gravy a bit of an orangey bite. I tried to relax briefly when the Fox took the potatoes out to turn over & baste. I noticed how pale they were with none of the golden colour I associate with roasties. A prod with the fork proved they were soft enough to eat but no crispiness. I suddenly remembered I should have turned the oven up to a much higher temperature. Fortunately the carrots were on the go-slow. We cooked the meat & the potatoes for an extra 5-10 minutes at almost maximum temperature. It was sufficient to crispen up the spuds & to give a bit of colour to the orange slice coat of the fat of the ham.

 

By the time I sat down I was so stressed out. I felt I’d been running around like a headless chicken trying to rectify my errors. Still, at the end of the day, we did both thoroughly enjoy the gammon. The sliced oranges gave a rather marmaladey flavour which cut through the fat. The salsa was fruity & tangy. Even the Fox enjoyed it & he’s not usually a great fruit fan but this salsa he enjoyed.

 

I was still worrying about what to have to eat for today. The Fox has volunteered to do a variation on a spicy spag bol using up some of the minced turkey from the freezer so I can relax this morning with nothing to do. Last night I collapsed into bed around 8pm to not get up until after 7 this morning. That just how exhausted I was.

 

A mystery

Once more it is a freezing morning. I’ve peeled the potatoes for dinner but I cannot lift the lid off the compost bin to put the peelings in. It’s just frozen solid. Hopefully it will thaw out a bit as the day goes on.

 

Yesterday I discovered a mystery for which I haven’t yet found the answer. 

 

I’m still shedding hair. However, the pace of loss has slowed down. Now, each day I check my upper clothes after I’ve combed my hair first thing in the morning & when I get changed ready for bed so I will be hair-free the following day. Yesterday, when I got ready for bed I was hard pushed to find a single hair on my clothes. I even de-haired my dressing gown before putting it on. Had I finally come to the end of all this hair shedding? I wondered.

 

I then put on my dressing gown & went to spend the evening in the lounge with the Fox. Soon I was back to normal. Every few minutes my eye was caught by the shimmer of light on a fine silvery filament on my dressing gown – hair. I’d clear myself down. Half an hour later, more hair. Why is it only shedding in the evening rather than the daytime? I’ve no idea.

 

 A mystery as I said. Maybe it is somehow related to the fact that the pain levels seem to increase as the evening/night goes on.