Still stressed

The man from the charity came round yesterday to discuss the medical. He thinks my case for continuing to receive my benefit is good. He tends to agree with me that it is a good sign that they are proposing to come here rather than for me to be going to their office. It’s the first time he’s come across them volunteering to do that. Usually the charity ends up advising the client to contact ATOS, the company responsible for organising the medicals, to request a home visit as it is impossible for the client to attend otherwise.

It wasn’t quite so reassuring when he went on to tell us of one client who has only 5% vision. He was passed as able to work. The Job Centre proceeded to insist he train as a bus driver. I don’t want to anywhere around if he takes up that suggestion!

However, the charity is happy to support me through any appeal procedure if it becomes necessary, though he clearly thinks that outcome is highly unlikely. I just hope he’s right.

The strange thing is, as I write this, I can’t help wondering if you didn’t know me personally you would be thinking that I’m trying to cheat the system. It really isn’t that. If I could genuinely believe this medical was just a check that I had the medical problems I say I had, I wouldn’t be so anxious. Experience - & nothing I have heard about the new system has disabused me of this impression – has taught me this is about finding an excuse to deny me this benefit. I wish I could reasonably consider going back to work. I’d love to & to be so well.

The stress of just knowing this medical lies ahead, has caused any sense of well-being to evaporate. I’m once more aching badly in my knees, once more diving for the painkillers. I’m once more feeling tense & rather depressed, though not suicidal just yet. My sleep is once more disrupted, giving me long hours to brood in the dark. My abdomen hasn’t complained though last night I was awake with a bad bout of acid reflux. And yes, it was just before 3am, a little later than my usual 2.30am for the cramps to hit. I’m now just wishing the medical was over & maybe I could relax again before I start to deteriorate too much.

Meanwhile the day remains grey & wet. I gather from our visitor yesterday it had been snowing in Lancaster that day. Fortunately we’ve not seen any of that. All we’ve had is rain, hail occasionally, a lot of grey skies & icy winds. None of which cheers my spirits much.

Here’s hoping things will pick up soon.