Anxiety all round

I have to admit to being anxious. I'm hoping things will ease soon.

My first cause of anxiety is the hospital trip tomorrow. I'm relieved to say there's been no more spot bleeding. I'm telling myself all will be well. It won't be cancer. It was just one of those temporary aberrations that happen. But, for all that, I can't help being aware of a sense in the pit of my stomach that all is not well. Hopefully all will be clearer after yesterday, or soon afterwards.

More worrying is that the level of abdominal pains I've been getting during the night have got worse, more frequent. They're even hitting during the day. The new medication I was given last time I saw the doctor made the situation worse rather than better. I've stopped taking them & gone back to what I was on until I see him again. I think I'm almost more anxious this will be the more serious medical problem. I've not had the results of the blood samples taken a few weeks ago. Some of the tests were supposed to take at least 3 weeks to come back. I'm due back at the surgery next week. One thing is certain. This is not a temporary aberration about to disappear of its own accord.

On top of that I'm anxious about my benefit form. Last night we watched two programmes on the television, one on BBC2, one on Channel 4. Both came to the same conclusion. For all the good intentions of the new benefit, a lot of people seem to be being told they are fit to work when they are manifestly not. The consequences have been dire, even fatal in some cases. They seem to be taking the stance that if you can use so much as one finger to press a button, you are fit to work. No account seems to be taken of pain, fatigue or ability to cope with pressure. Being disabled is a full time job, a very tiring and painful one at that, for many people. I came away with the distinct impression that any medical professional who works for ATOS, the agency that makes the assessments, can have no integrity. We are telling ourselves that if necessary, if the Fox claims the Carers' Allowance, as he is entitled to regardless of the decision on this benefit claim, we should be able to keep going until he reaches 65 and his state old age pension. We may have to cut down on some things, but we have got enough capital behind us to just about cope. We're really hoping the disability organisation that's coming on Thursday can get the form filled in in such a way that my claim goes through first time. The idea of going through the appeal process is appalling.

As a minor irritant, one of the birds in our garden has discovered a new trick. You may remember the other Saturday our fire alarm had to replaced as it was beeping every 30 seconds night & day. Clearly this bird was enchanted by the sound. Now each time I venture out of the back door I get greeted by the sound of beeping. He's learnt how to mimic it perfectly. I just hope he bores of it soon. Or the girlfriend/wife lets him know it's time to change his songbook.

Relief all round

The source of today's disbelief is the sight of clear bright blue skies. That hasn't happened for a long while. I suspect it won't last the whole morning, let alone day.

The Fox got to the GP yesterday. It turns out that the problem isn't arthritis. I can't remember the title - someone's contraction. Anyhow the important thing is that, although it will probably deteriorate, it will be very slowly. He may even be dead before it gets to the stage that it's such a nuisance that something needs to be done - just as well as the treatment doesn't sound very hopeful, and may well end up with things getting worse rather than better. It is also likely to occur in his other hand, which the Fox suspects is already happening. 

Meanwhile I've got around to phoning a local welfare rights organisation for help with my benefits form. The rate we're getting around to doing it it won't be complete in time. We're not even confident we're answering it right. We're both finding the whole business so depressing we're beginning to wonder whether it's worth the hassle. The sheer relief when someone agreed to come on Thursday to sort it out was immense. He's leaving it now until Thursday as I should know the results of my Wednesday hospital trip, the results of which may have some bearing on what we put down.

In all honesty I think we are both feeling so mithered by our various health problems at the moment that the form was just one thing too much. Now we can relax in the knowledge we're in the hands of the professionals. If we can clarify our thoughts so much the better, but it shouldn't be essential any longer, thank goodness. 

Can't believe it

The visit to the surgery went as expected. By the time I'd been dinspected examined & my family history of cancer duly noted, the doctor concluded it was the hospital for me, to the Breast Unit. I should hear within a week to ten days. If not, get back & he would chase it up.

We went along to the Pub for a quick drink - it's amazing how drying hospital & surgery waiting rooms can be. We had a pleasant chat with Dick Gobble, still trying to adjust to the problem of catering just for one. He's still finding he ends up throwing out so much food, but on the other hand he wants variety. He's working on the theory he can make a casserole in larger portions & then freeze want he doesn't want immediately in various parcels. Nonetheless he's still sorely missing his wife who died earlier in the year. 

We progressed to Morrisons & the big shop. Life must go on.

I was just out at the freezer putting our purchases away when the phone goes. It's the hospital. They've given me an appointment for next Wednesday. I couldn't believe it. I know I was hoping it wouldn't be too long but to hear the same day, with an appointment within a fortnight takes some beating. They've even managed to organise the appointment on the same morning that we were going into the hospital for an appointment for the Fox regarding his hearing problems. Very convenient.

It will be a case of into the Breast Unit with me. If I'm not clear by the time of the Fox's appointment he just has to cross the road to Audiology. If I'm done quick, we'll pop across the road to the WRVS cafe for a bit of refreshment before Audiology - they're both in the same building.

All this additional stress is having adverse effects on both of us. My stomach & knee pains are growing. The Fox is having greater problems dragging around his dead log of a leg, the remnant of his stroke. The stress is also part of the reason for his silence on his blog, though I see he was inspired to write a little last night. We're just hoping all the anxiety is for nothing and we can relax a bit once more. 

But first the Fox is off to the surgery with his hand tomorrow. And there's still this benefit form to complete. There may only be 20 pages to it but it's taking forever to do, not helped by a changing medical scene at the moment. Whatever else can be said, I think it's safe to conclude my medical condition at the moment is not stable.

Still more problems

I can't help wondering whether phoning NHS Direct was a good idea. If I hadn't, I would undoubtedly have phoned the surgery when it opened and insisted upon seeing some doctor that day. Instead, I've spent a weekend worrying, especially when a few more drops of blood appeared on Saturday. I'm glad to say nothing further has appeared. I'm also relieved to think I'm seeing a doctor this afternoon. I suspect, though, it will simply be a case of being referred to the hospital for a further mammogram. We'll see. At least the cogs will have been set in motion.

Meanwhile, on Saturday, we ended up having a shiny red fire engine turn up at our house. No, I hadn't set the house on fire. During the night, our fire alarm had started beeping every 30 seconds. By the morning it was driving me round the bend. Since the fire brigade installed the fire alarm, I thought I should ring them to find out what had gone amiss. The battery was running out. They agreed to come that afternoon to replace the alarm as the battery couldn't just be changed. Once more we were told how best to avoid starting a fire, how best to behave if one did start etc. We were also given a couple of bottles containing forms to be filled in with our medical information which is to be kept in the fridge door. In theory, if the place is on fire, they will see the sticker we've had to put on the front door & then retrieve this container to facilitate our emergency treatment. We decided to put both forms in the one container. There's enough rubbish cluttering up the fridge without two such containers. Once more we are relatively safe.

Later this week the Fox is off to see our regular GP. He's having trouble with his hands. We suspect it's the onset of arthritis and nothing much can be done. We'll see.

If it's not one thing it's another at the moment. Meanwhile I plod on with my benefit form. As if I could cope with work as well!

Yet more

I'm distinctly jittery today. I don't appreciate shocks when I first get up.

Even before I'd had a wash I was on the phone. To NHS Direct.

What prompted this action? A couple of days ago, when I got ready for bed, I noticed a drop of dried blood on my nightdress. I couldn't see any obvious scratches. I just put it down to one of those oddities that happen for no apparent cause. 

This morning I got up. The first thing I noticed was, not one, but half a dozen spots of dried blood on my nightdress. A quick inspection underneath revealed a soft scab on the nipple of one of my breasts, as though I was exuding milk for a baby, only I was exuding blood. This I found worrying. I noticed later, when I put on my bra, there was a little spot of dried blood in there too. Not vast quantities, just spots as I say.

So, before all else, I thought I ought to find out whether it is a matter of concern or not, whether I should make an urgent trip to the surgery. Bleeding like this isn't normal for me.

NHS Direct was very good. They asked various questions. At the end of the day they concluded it didn't sound very serious. However, they thought it would be wise for me to go to see a GP soon, not necessarily today but within a week. NHS Direct also said if I was to start bleeding more heavily, not to hesitate to see a GP immediately.

Needless to say, my next job was to get through to the surgery. I've now got an appointment for next Tuesday. It's not with my regular GP but it is the first available non-emergency appointment. I don't want to worry any longer than I have to.

I'm now wondering if this is going to be yet another medical problem to put on my benefit form. As if I didn't have enough. I've already listed 13! Let's hope it's nothing serious and will disappear as magically as it appeared.

Change

I'm once more hoping to get back to the form. I've only a few questions left to go. I'm on to a question about my ability to cope with change. They don't seem to allow a space to write about my inability to cope with lack of change. I accept a certain amount of routine is inevitable, even desirable. However, I confess I get the screaming abdabs when I realise I'm expected to do the same thing the same day, or even worse at the same time of the same day of the week. The very thing that seems to bring comfort & reassurance to some of our friends with mental illness problems is a cause of stress & anxiety for me. Oh dear. I'll get it in somehow.


Once the first draft is complete the Fox will look over it. He'll make sure I'm clear, that I haven't omitted things I should have said.  At the library we got a phone number to try to get someone to help with the form, but first we feel we need to have clarified our thoughts about what exactly my problems are these days.


Meanwhile the sun is trying to get through. Our new next door neighbour has had cause to discover one of the deficiencies of his new property. The previous owner was not a gardener, nor was he a car owner. This being so he covered the soil of the front garden with membrane and then added tons of gravel. When our new neighbours arrived, as there is no off road parking, he decided to use the gravel area as a parking area. With all the rain we've had this summer, the car has been slowly sinking. It got to the stage where the front of the car sunk so much into the  where the flower bed had been that the front was catching on the concrete of the path beyond. He's now having it all concreted over. It looks as though the job will be completed today. He will be relieved.

Onwards

The central heating boiler has been serviced. He finally arrived yesterday morning. At least that's done - one less thing to wait around for. The garden seems full of birds today. This morning no less than 4 magpies have been attracted by the fat that we cut off our pork steaks last night. The lawn is being scoured by wood pigeons, collared doves & blackbirds. For dinner tonight I'm intending to pick some sugar snap peas/garden peas grown by the Fox - our first real picking of the season.

Meanwhile my mind must once more turns to my benefit form. This will be my third session on it. 

While I try to do a preliminary draft of the answers, the Fox is trying to read up on the form & the hurdles in it. What he has read so far does not fill us with optimism. We're hoping to go along to the library later today when one of the local charities should be attending & be able to give us some advice on filling in the form.

Please understand, it is not that I want to cheat the system. I wouldn't even be applying if I genuinely thought I could  work. 

My life these days goes along slowly. Providing I continue on that level I seem to be able to achieve a fair amount, to keep going, to keep the level of pain & fatigue at a tolerable level. This, though, is nowhere near the level of activity that a healthy non-disabled person would do or would be expected to do. The demands of a job & the stress that would involve would be more than I could cope with these days. Equally I think any employer would have to be mad to take me on when I suspect - no, know - I could not keep up the pace for any length of time & would end up taking a lot of time off sick.

To be honest, I wish the support which the government is now offering had been available when I first became disabled 20 odd years ago. Then I think I could have appreciated the re-training & support being offered. I could possibly have stayed in work a lot longer than I did. I did go to see the Disablement Advisory Officer at the time. However, even to be assessed I would have had to go to Penrith for a few consecutive days and that would have been too much for me. I was therefore advised to abandon the idea.

Now, my medical condition has deteriorated. I have many more medical problems. and I'm just not fit to work at any sort of work on a regular basis. Just attending a meeting of a couple of hours length is enough to cause me to grab for the painkillers & exhaust me for weeks afterwards.

The whole business is getting me down. My only consolation is that I should at least get the further year of Employment & Support Allowance as even they cannot suggest I would not need support in order to work. I would need re-training if only to update long unused skills. By that time it would not be long before the Fox would be 65 & be entitled to claim his state pension. We probably have sufficient savings behind us to cope with the intervening few months financially even without my benefits.

Meanwhile I press on with the forms & realise in the 3 years since I last filled in my Incapacity Benefit form, my medical condition has worsened & I am able to do so much less. If that isn't enough to get me depressed I don't know what is.