Strange morning

It's another of those strange mornings when I have nothing specific to do. Usually the preparation of food is a central feature of the morning but today the Fox is cooking. He's doing a beef in black bean sauce stir fry dish. The only preparation I can do is to get the meat out of the freezer, along with some cheese to have for dessert, & to find a bottle of red wine to accompany the meal. The rest, of necessity, will be done by the Fox this evening.

We decided to do this stir fry today as tomorrow we're off to Ricky's Cantonese restaurant . I suspect our stir fry effort will seem very poor if we made it soon after that meal. We are just using a ready made jar of sauce. This way we should still enjoy the Fox's effort.

This means, of course, that tomorrow will also be another strange morning with nothing specific to do.

If the weather was better I would strip the apple & pear trees of their fruit. The Pub always appreciates them. We'll keep some, of course, for our own usage but we would never manage to eat the lot. Someone might as well have the advantage of them. But today is wet, wet, wet, & the forecast seems to be more of the same. Even when the rain stops it will take a few days for the lawn to dry out sufficiently for us to cross it without squelching our way as we go. It will definitely be a welly boots time.

Meanwhile there's nothing to do but to visit Monet's waterlily pond with my jigsaw. Or maybe I will continue on my way down the Mississippi with Huck Finn, my current reading. Either way I'm telling myself it will do me good to have a bit more of a relax. I seem to have been overdoing things a bit of late.

To grow or not to grow

Today we're having the last of the Fox's potatoes. They have been excellent, full of flavour. We're also having some of his tomatoes, fried, to accompany the Cumberland & black pudding sausages we bought at last week's Farmers' Market. It should be a real treat.

I do hope the Fox decides to have another go next year. The resultant vegetables have been so much tastier than those from the supermarket. There is one disadvantage though. They do need a lot of attention, which makes it difficult to go away on holiday for long during the summer months.

He grew them in pots & bags near the house, so they were easy to get to without having to cross our usual extra lakes on the lawn which appear whenever it rains. However, that does mean frequent watering. Our back garden is accessible from the street through a gate in the wall or through the house. Whenever we go away, indeed at all times, that gate is well bolted & the front door locked. We don't like to encourage burglars - you can tell we were brought up in the city. It follows, therefore, even if we could find friends or neighbours kind enough to pop round regularly to check them, they couldn't get in to get to the plants. It's a bit of a conundrum.

This year we have no regrets. The veg were good. The summer shone warmly so we happily spent it here. We had a good holiday in the south of France before the real growing season began so have not felt any itch to get away for any great length of time.

All in all it's been a good summer.

An off day

Yesterday was definitely an off day for me. It did pick up but only a bit.

It started when I decided the time had come to go to church. I went to get my Mean Machine, my electric scooter out. I found it was impossible. We had taken in our table & chairs from the garden for the winter & now they blocked the way. I cleared some of the surface of the table, thinking I could put the chairs on the table. I lift the chairs. There's an almighty explosion, a big bang, glass & a white dust everywhere. I've just lifted the chairs straight into the fluorescent light tube, shattering it. I have to stop to do a bit of sweeping up as I don't want punctured tyres.

So it is I leave a bit late, but still plenty of time before the service begins. I approach the church. What's this? A great crowd outside. I soon realise cameras are out. Photos are being taken of the Rose Queen & her entourage. Is it Harvest Thanksgiving this week?

I ask someone if my side door is open. I am assured it is. I make my way around to the door to find the outer door is open, but not the inner. I have to bellow to be let in.

Inside I collect my books & make my way to my usual place. My usual companion so far at the front of church is there & starts chatting to me. I just want a few minutes peace to compose myself ready for the service. Eventually she gets the hint, but by this time the church is a-buzz with activity. People bustling around. Extra banners are going to be taken up. The Rose Queen joins the choir for the procession at the start of the service. Parents & siblings chatter & run around. Absolute mayhem. I desperately seek peace & God, & all I find is noise.

The new vicar, Linda, makes the announcements. The service is to begin. She calls for a few minutes silence first. Is this my moment for peace? The moment Linda returns to the vestry, the Babel begins again.

So the service finally starts. I'm still desperately trying to find some inner peace to appreciate the service. It seems it's the service for the Crowning of the new Rose Queen. For Linda, this is a first. I think she is as bemused as I am by the role. However, she's still too new here to feel she can suggest abolishing the role when this is to be our 60th Rose Queen. All the children are beautifully attired & well behaved.

But I'm still seeking communion with God, not all this noise. During the second hymn I suddenly realise tears are rolling down my face. I would leave but feel too conspicuous to go. The Mean Machine beeps as it goes in reverse & I would have to back out of my space & then do a 3 point turn before I could get out. Then I would have to find someone once more to open the inner doors. Once I'm in they always re-bolt the doors to reduce draughts.

So I stay, not really feeling able to partake of the service. I realise I must be depressed. I do not usually cry inappropriately like this. Fortunately the light from a high window is shining so brightly into my face that others assume it's just the light disturbing me. The reality is that I feel as though I should never have come. I do not feel any sense of God's presence. People are enjoying themselves & I don't want to spoil that, but I had come for worship, for prayer, for inner peace. Instead I felt an outsider, alienated from everyone else there & from God. If I had known it was such a service, the mood I was in I would never have gone. But these days my September issue of the Parish magazine doesn't arrive until October. As for the website it shows no special services this week & the last parish magazine on the site is dated April 2010, hardly up to date. I hadn't made it to church last week so I had no warning of the special Rose Queen Crowning service. I hope some of this might change once Linda is settled into her new role.

I did contemplate staying for a few minutes after the service & everyone had gone. Maybe this would be my chance for peace. But no, this would be the one Sunday when there were two baptism services immediately after matins.

So I hastily left the church as soon as I could get through the crowd at the end of the service. I did contemplate coming back along the prom, maybe stop a bit & look out across the Bay. Perhaps that way I would have chance for inner peace. I decide against it, partly because I know the Fox would be worried if I didn't get back at usual time, partly because the way things were going I half feared there would be hordes on the prom too.

Normally I would have coped fine. Normally I go to church at least half an hour before so that I am among the first to arrive. That means I have chance for private prayer, to re-discover God, to find some inner peace before any bedlam arrives. This Sunday I arrived just 10 minutes before the service, & a busy popular service it turned out to be.

When I got home I had an hour or so lie down in the Fox's arms before tackling the chores. That hour or so enabled me to calm down, & find some peace, ready for the next challenge. The Fox hastily got down to Focus & bought a new tube. We then struggled to work out how to fit it. In the end I went to ask our neighbour if he had any idea. Andy is a builder, quite capable of doing all minor general jobs, even bigger ones - he's just put up a fully insulated log cabin in their garden. Even he, though, was beaten for a while. Eventually he worked it out & we once more had light in the garage. I, by this time, was on my second lot of extra painkillers. I was glad to have dinner & an early night.

So far, today seems to be going better. The lamb curry I've just made smells, & tastes, delicious. Something to look forward to this evening.

A busy week ahead

Friday once again. It's the last day of the carers' course for the Fox & afternoon with a carer for me. On the whole we both feel it's a bit of a relief. It's amazing how tying it feels to have one day fixed for a particular activity. These days we tend to take things gentle, deciding on the day what we, or often more specifically I, feel up to doing.

Today we really could do with going shopping. We're nearly out of milk. I would do a big shop while we're at it, but with the other activities it's dubious if that will get done.

Meanwhile next week is already looking as though it's going to be busy, certainly by the end of the week.

On Thursday we've been invited to PD's wife's 60th birthday celebratory meal at Ricky's, our favourite Cantonese restaurant. After my rather grotty day yesterday, which ended with me in bed by 9.15pm, exhausted & in severe pain, the Fox is beginning to wonder if we shouldn't have said no. I feel off days happen & there's no reason to suspect it will happen again next Thursday,especially if I take the rest of the day very quietly. Admittedly the meal is later than we usually have - the table's booked for 7pm - but PD & his wife will need time to get changed after disposing of the grandchildren they look after on Thursday.

Friday we've agreed to go to the Pub. Mr P, the music teacher, wants us to meet, & help entertain, a visiting German teacher he's looking after for a couple of days.

Saturday sees the Fox off for his flu jab. Mr P is also trying to get us to a concert that evening. The German teacher has brought his school orchestra with him & they will be performing that night. Mr P wants there to be a good turn out. We're in two minds. The idea of a very amateur performance of Elgar doesn't have much appeal. But to support a friend....

A busy week indeed. Just as well the Fox hasn't also got his course.

A bit of banter

I'm using the ham in a different way today. This time I've spread some soft garlic & herb cheese on, rolled it up & inserted the rolls into pockets in a couple of chicken breasts. All has been breadcrumbed ready to fry up this evening. As I say, something a bit different.

I bought the chicken yesterday at a nearby butcher. When I arrived, Alan, the butcher, duly asked "What would you like young lady?"

My reaction was to comment, "It's a long time since I was called young." The big exception is undoubtedly the Fox who always tells me I'm nowt but a spring chicken, but I didn't bother to tell Alan that.

"Ah, but don't you feel like 20 inside?" Alan is in his sixties, so he has some experience of growing older.

I thought a bit. "No, on the whole I feel older than that, sometimes I even feel ancient."

"Wouldn't you want to be just 20 again?"

I was forced to admit I wouldn't. All that uncertainty as you find your way in life, build up important relationships.

"But think of the adventure," he commented.

"But I'd sooner have my adventure with a basis of security," I retorted.

We agreed to differ & I went on my way.

It's always good to have a bit of cheery banter. And there's no denying it, on the whole Alan's right. You don't feel inside the age you actually are. Most of the time I do feel younger, it's just that some of the time my aches make me feel old, very old. On the whole, though, I do feel more content & happier than when I was younger, certainly than when I was 20. I suppose inside, most of the time, I feel in the 30-40 age bracket. What about you?

Mud bath time

I'm back to making an old favourite for dinner - ham & egg flan. It's one of the few Mrs Beeton recipes I really treasure. At one time we used to have it at least once a week, but now it must be several years since we last had it.

We're back to using up from the freezer. Today it's 2oz of ham. This classic recipe instantly popped into my mind. I thought I'd try cooking some of the Fox's tomatoes to accompany it, rather than our usual baked beans. We're certainly having his potatoes sauteed up with it.

Yesterday the tree surgeon came to trim some of our trees. His assistant hastily asked if we wanted the plums/damsons. I happily let her have them. Now it looks as though there's more light in the garden, and once more the walk to the far end of the garden doesn't involve fighting through the conifers.

I would say it was a definite improvement only the lawn looks as though it's well & truly mauled. After all the rain lately, especially on Sunday, it was well sodden. By the time they'd gone across it to reach the trees, erected ladders, dragged bags & whole branches down to the chipper in our drive, just a mud bath remains with a good muddy streak across the patio to complete the picture. Still I dare say the lawn will recover & the patio will get washed down next time it rains. We've warned Al, our gardener, there's no point in coming until the grass has had time to recover a bit. That may well be next year now. But once it has I'm sure we will appreciate all that trimming & next year it should be looking so much better.

What a differrence!

The temperature has definitely dropped today. I've felt half-tempted to put the heating on all morning. To be honest the drop began yesterday.

We ended up having dinner early to stoke up the inner boiler. The fact it turn into Mexican burritos - nice & spicy - certainly helped. After getting changed I sat with my legs up on the settee. My feet quickly disappeared under a cushion for extra warmth. When the chill began to bite a hot cup of tea magically appeared thanks to the Fox.

Today, as I say, seems even colder. It just seems too early to be putting the heating on. It's only September! And to think only on Friday I sat outside in the garden with my carer - the Fox was at his course - feeling the warmth of the sun on my face! What a difference a couple of days can make. Now I'm thinking it's time to put summer clothes away & go into winter mode with extra layers. I can always take off if I get too warm. It's may be just as well we've got the new boiler & the Fox is now 60 so should receive winter fuel allowance this winter, assuming it still exists.

It's also definitely rapidly becoming time to change the clocks. The mornings are getting very dark, especially on a wet overcast day like today. The evenings have been darker for some time.